A long while ago when I began my journey to help rising leaders I discovered the world of coaching literature (of which there is plenty). During that season I met an older minister from a different denomination and learned he was friends with two of the authors I was reading. I was excited to hear that because after a few books, I had a big question:
“Randy, why do all these books go on and on about asking questions as if the coach shouldn’t give advice? I mean, people want their coach to have answers, right? Paul’s letters to Timothy and Titus don’t have many (actually, any) questions. He just tells them what they need to do.”
“Yes,” answered the sage, “he does tell them what to do and people need that. But let’s be honest about guys like us. We don’t need to be taught how to tell people what to do. We need to learn to listen and among other things, that means we need to learn to ask questions.”
It’s worth noting that Randy’s answer about why questions are critical was not a question. Coaches and pastors, like parents and peers, should be ready to offer wise counsel when it’s helpful. But it won’t be as helpful as they hope if they haven’t listened deeply. To do that we need to become as familiar with the Asker’s Path as we are with the Teller’s Path.
The Asker’s Helping Path
The Teller’s Helping Path
This series is offered as a prompt to learn how to help by asking questions that make a difference for the asker and the answerer. We’ll explore:
Where Questions Come from and How to Listen to Answers
The first question to ask yourself about your question is why you’re asking it. Of course, the most important part of the answer has to do with your heart’s motive and your goodwill toward the other. But it’s also important to have a plan for every question you ask. In other words, good askers know what they are “asking” their question to do. Here are six basic purposes for good questions.
Ignorance: Sometimes you just don’t know and even if you think you do, it’s best to incline away from the first diagnosis. Questions born of ignorance can help you find a better explanation or a better reason for your first observations.
Certainty: Asking questions does not mean you don’t know the answer. Lawyers famously (and sometimes questionably!) only ask questions they know the answers to. That’s not a bad thing, unless it’s adversarial. So ask questions that help the other person discover what you already perceive about the situation.
Clarity: Questions for clarity can help you, or more importantly your mentee, understand the issue more deeply or broadly. “Why, How, What if” questions can sharpen diagnosis and solution.
Boldness: Good relationships have room for disruption. You may ask questions that challenge his assumptions, behavior, diagnosis, strategy, feelings, etc.
Patience: The urge to tell is strong but asking gives space for listening. Patience questions provide room to wait for a clearer sense of what to ask. They can tend to be one-dimensional, but they force you to be patient with the process. Remember too, that silence isn’t necessarily bad.
Guessing: Asking questions is like fishing. You cast a lot of line before you reel in a keeper. It is ok to not be sure where you are going and to come up empty. At the very least you’ve eliminated one possible avenue.
Stay tuned for Part 2 where we’ll discuss Deep Hearing.
